In Russia, You Punch Steven Seagal

By Lex March 28, 2014 @ 6:09 PM

The effeminate running fat karate actor Steven Seagal is making news this week and not because his heart exploded from running to the toilet after a five tin binge on Beefaroni. No, Steven has become latest American shill actor to be used in Russian propaganda against the United States. The state-run newspaper Smorgasbord or something like that ran with a few quotes from Seagal about Putin being one of the great living world leaders, though I guess only so-so when measured against the dead ones. Seagal called Obama a stupid head who ought to stop bitching about Crimea and said he’d love to maybe get himself Russian citizenship just like Gerard Depardieu, since both men are now at the stage when they are so engorged that they are pissing themselves on airplanes. Seagal’s pro-Russian shifting intellectual positions may or may not be related to his increasing need to find funding for his still ongoing fat guy karate films in the former Eastern Bloc. He’s also working with Putin as the spokesperson for a new national fitness program called ‘Ready for Labor and Defense’. That inspiring title makes you want to hit the treadmill and work off your blood sausage and vodka breakfast. What America will do with the loss of Steven Seagal remains to be seen. The slight down tick in our national diabetes rates should serve as some solace. Farewell, Dear Steven, you fat lummox Ninja fuck.

(9) Comments

  1. avatar
    honking horker 03/28/2014 20:07

    Effeminate? Douchebag, sure. Unlikeable, of course, but who in the world thinks Segal is effeminate.

    Christ Lex, learn to form arguments. You can’t just call a guy fag (I’m sorry, you said effeminate, but its the same lazy slur) because you disagree with the person.

    And calling Franco a tampon? Is your computer just recycling Yahoo comments?

    This site is supposed to be about mocking the excesses of celebs, not just a celeb.

    And by the way, Tyler would have done more stuff mocking the person who deserves it the most, Gwenyth Paltrow. She’s gone full borne pretentious and you are mocking easy targets.

    This site is gets worse every week. Something that used to be a joy for its voice is now becoming more petty and hacky.

  2. avatar
    The Mildly Tanned Knight 03/28/2014 21:10

    I loved him in Beverly Hills Ninja!

  3. avatar
    GHUA 03/28/2014 21:49

    I think ‘effeminate’ is a pretty accurate description of that picture.

  4. avatar
    Toast 03/28/2014 21:56

    Is it too late for Elvis to bring a lawsuit for bad impersonation?

  5. avatar
    Sterling Archer 03/29/2014 00:07

    He’s not “effeminate”! He’s a karate master!

  6. avatar
    kogyduz 03/29/2014 07:26

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    I checked with the BBB and was told that it is all legit. How they can sell gift cards, laptops, cameras, and all kinds of goodies that we all want for 50-90% off, I don’t know I do know that I bought my son an ipad there for less than $100 and my husband a $250 Low gift
    cards for $48Why would I even think about shopping anyþlace else?

  7. avatar
    Jeterlab 03/29/2014 12:03

    Case closed!

  8. avatar
    DrainBammage 03/30/2014 22:57

    I dunno, the third season of SS: Lawman just started in January this year so after the Lousiana inbreds and the gun-toting loons of Arizona, it could be that Seagal is looking for an international location for season 4, rouding up drunken ukrainian at the border.

    With his love for cheesy blues and couch potato physique, he truly is a David Hasselhoff for the north american market.

  9. avatar
    larissadadonput 03/31/2014 14:45

    hdfh@LOise, you make $27h thats great going girl good for you! My story is that I quit working at shoprite to work online, seriously I couldn’t be happier I work when I want and where I want. And with a little effort I easily bring in $35h and sometimes even as much as $85h…heres a good example of what i’m doing, >>>>>>>> CHEC44.C

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