Kristen Bell Knows Stuff

Some people might say that a Hollywood actress who pays a fat woman to wipe sand off her belly might be out of touch with the common folk. But Kristen Bell and her consecrated vegan life traveler baby daddy have made it their mission to school people on the virtuous life. The pair have sacrificed their own happiness for minutes at a time so that others might take unto their teachings. Before Kristen and Dax, people dismissed the rights of the gays and slaughtered animals for consumption and ripped limbs from trees just to build shelter. Can anyone even remember what life was like back then? In her latest Custer stand, Kristen Bell has declared that rich people should pay even proportionally higher taxes. She signed her Tweet, ‘hugs and kiss, a rich person’ probably thinking it would be ironic, as opposed to, you know, imbecilic and cloying. I bet the Laotian indentured girls she pays four nickels an hour to clean the dead skin off her toes thought it was hilarious.

Naturally, many people fired back with the accurate, but cliched response that if she’s so rich and willing, she could go ahead cut an extra tax check to Uncle Sam any time she wanted. That would make the world better, because that’s what government does with your money, makes the world better. If only these respondents knew how Kristen and Dax simultaneously orgasm at the thought of being in a social policy debate as if their craniums contain more than personal opinion and politically correct hashtags gleaned over herbal tea at Le Pain Quotidien. Maybe then they would just ignore Kristen and her reflexive sycophant army. Or maybe smart Indian scientists at Google will invent a way for people to physically punch annoying people through the Internet. That second idea would be far more fun and lasting.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI