Old Fat Women in Crimea Voted to Do Something

May I politely ask, is my ballot filled out correctly so that I won’t be shot in the jowls by Russian soldiers? Who the hell gets a 97% vote in a legit ballot? You can’t get 97% when you poll drunk conventioners in Vegas as to their desire for free hummers by women thrice as good looking as their wives. I guess beautiful Crimea, a land where you can travel in any direction for just a few hours and be somewhere extra super unfiltered cigarette shitty, is going back to Russia. I don’t know how this affects the Risk board. I’m sure Obama is penning a strongly worded note with a frown emoticon to dispatch by raven to Moscow. I say, good riddance. Fucking Crimea, who needed you anyway. As in all elections around the world, this one was decided by fat older women who came for the coffee cake. The old men would’ve come, but they all died by 55 just to get the fuck out of Crimea faster.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News