St. Patrick Was an Asshole

George Washington exploited slaves, Christopher Columbus was a heartless racist, and Martin Luther King Jr. liked to bang women not his wife. But what St. Patrick did might have out-assholed all of his fellow holiday honorees. There were never any snakes in Ireland for St. Patricks to drive out, there were just pagan Druids who, among other things, really dug sex. They elevated the orgasm to a magical extended explosion and pretty much invented group sex not just for fat people in tract homes. Druid women were wanton sexual beasts with aching vaginas and the knowledge of how to use them. Compare that to Irish Catholic girls after St. Patrick converted all the Druids. Centuries upon centuries of girls who thought flicking their bean beneath the sheets would send them to Satan’s hellfire. In the time it takes an Irish Catholic girl to slap your reaching hand, an Irish Druid girl would have had you quartered with silken ties and writhed upon your jimmyjack in hallucinatory ecstasy. She’d probably have let you watch the ball game while she was doing so. Druids were accommodating like that. Irish Catholic girls conceive a child if you look upon their bare tits. Druid girls had magical early Planned Parenthood tricks to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Irish girls could’ve been freckled hot white sex ninjas, instead of the most sexually meh female collective ever. St. Patrick did that. He made Ireland poor and humble and bereft of decent orgasms. Just another asshole with a staff.