St. Patrick Was an Asshole

By Lex March 17, 2014 @ 6:19 PM

George Washington exploited slaves, Christopher Columbus was a heartless racist, and Martin Luther King Jr. liked to bang women not his wife. But what St. Patrick did might have out-assholed all of his fellow holiday honorees. There were never any snakes in Ireland for St. Patricks to drive out, there were just pagan Druids who, among other things, really dug sex. They elevated the orgasm to a magical extended explosion and pretty much invented group sex not just for fat people in tract homes. Druid women were wanton sexual beasts with aching vaginas and the knowledge of how to use them. Compare that to Irish Catholic girls after St. Patrick converted all the Druids. Centuries upon centuries of girls who thought flicking their bean beneath the sheets would send them to Satan’s hellfire. In the time it takes an Irish Catholic girl to slap your reaching hand, an Irish Druid girl would have had you quartered with silken ties and writhed upon your jimmyjack in hallucinatory ecstasy. She’d probably have let you watch the ball game while she was doing so. Druids were accommodating like that. Irish Catholic girls conceive a child if you look upon their bare tits. Druid girls had magical early Planned Parenthood tricks to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Irish girls could’ve been freckled hot white sex ninjas, instead of the most sexually meh female collective ever. St. Patrick did that. He made Ireland poor and humble and bereft of decent orgasms. Just another asshole with a staff.

(6) Comments

  1. avatar
    Beylerbey 03/17/2014 19:10

    Thankfully xtianity is dying.

  2. avatar
    Johnny Big Rig 03/17/2014 20:57

    Ahh Religion.. the last vestige for hateful discrimination in America.

  3. avatar
    Johnny Big Rig 03/17/2014 20:59

    Yep, you can’t hate the blacks, jews, mexicans, gays, or poor.. but you can just take it all out on anyone with faith with impunity.

  4. avatar
    Digital Wonderbread 03/17/2014 23:06

    So well written.

  5. avatar
    ThisSiteIsGayPornography 03/18/2014 01:27

    I don’t like any organized religion, but Johnny Big Rig mushroom stamped beyler. Everyone who rips on Christians should prove their big balls by publicly ripping Jews, Muslims and Hindus too. All I hear is crickets when it comes to bashing any religion besides Christians. I personally think all religion is false, but I am amazed by how “supertough libs” think they are so original by mocking only one religion. I know that libs are not influenced by media, they told me so.

  6. avatar
    Beylerbey 03/18/2014 16:30

    Yeah, because I’ve always been afraid to hate on blacks on this site. Right? But my internet stalker seems to associate my name with a mandatory response no matter what, so let’s get down to some facts:

    The truth is that I’m to your right, you mincing little faggot, and xtianity is the main reason Western White Men are currently geldings. The war with Islam begins and ends at our porous southern border and customs at LAX and La Guardia. The mooselimbs simply don’t have the brainpower to do much long-term damage to us. But the Cult of the Space Jew has a great many adherents in this country, and most of them, rather than truly hoping for small government, seem to want to use the power of the state to punish those they consider undesirables, just as the left is doing now. Bible bangers shriek to the skies when they think their cult suffers any criticism, and they fully expect all who love liberty to aid them (e.g. Duck Dynasty), but what do we hear from them when the liberty of others is under attack? Dead silence.

    So consider yourself mushroom stamped, dirty sanchezed, or skull-fvcked at your leisure, and I look forward to your next noxious braying.

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