The town of Longview, TX paid Ted Nugent a deer carcass full of money to NOT appear at a city function. The Motor City nut job was scheduled to play Cat Scratch Fever or whatever at the Maude Cobb Convention and Activity Center during their Fourth of July show. The townsfolk were pissed off about this because, you know, Ted Nugent is a crazy asshole that even rednecks got tired of long ago. So, Longview offered him $16,000, half of his 32K fee, to please stay the fuck away. The legendary guitarist and gun nut has said some controversial shit over the years that has pissed off a lot of people. Most recently he called the President a “subhuman mongrel”. I myself saw him live once opening for KISS and he went on a rant about killing people who don’t speak English with his compound bow. Sorry, abuela. Who knew after all these years all you had to do to get him to go away was give him money? Can we take up a collection as a nation and get him to move somewhere where we never have to hear him or Stranglehold ever again? Maybe we can airdrop him into Crimea with a quiver full of arrows and tell him not to stop until he gets to Red Square. He’d probably make it too. Only to find Putin paying him to go away as well.