Beyonce Is the Most Influential Person in the World

By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 3:56 PM


As print magazines continue to circle the toilet bowl, you’re going to see them increasingly imitating Buzzfeed and other online sites that tap into the mental porn loving faculties in the brain. Lists. Rankings. Countdowns. Things that seem intriguing on their face, like a painted harlot, only to deliver little satisfaction and steal your wallet in the process. Because Time is still somewhat Time, they elevated their completely arbitrary list of influential people (wait, Jeff Bezos and Vladmir Putin are influential people? Thank you, Time magazine!) by getting other important people to write blurbs about why the important people on the list were important in the first place. It probably sounded genius in the editorial meeting. Beyonce, who made the cover because she sells about a billion times more copies than Hillary Clinton’s butchy maw, had her blurb written by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Mark Zuckerberg’s The Facebook:

“Beyonce doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one. Today she sits at the head of the boardroom table at Parkwood Entertainment. Beyoncé has sold out the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour while being a full-time mother.”

Holy mother of trite encomium. She doesn’t just take a shit, she builds a better shitter. I bet Sheryl’s status updates are fucking awful. Beyonce has a sold out music tour AND she’s a full-time mother. Of course, mathematically, you can’t actually work full time and also be a full time child caregiver away from work. Or is this the new solution to having to choose? Bending the space time continuum to do both like in some horrible Disney movie about working moms that will probably star Leslie Mann. If she means the baby often comes with the entourage and the luggage, yes. In that case, the stripper who lets the other strippers watch her baby backstage while she grinds on a pair of chubby Dockers is also a full-time mom.

If you watch House of Cards, you’l remember that premiere episode where the dude from the Washington newspaper says he’d rather the paper die with dignity than sell out to crappy pop journalism just to sell copies? Yeah, Time isn’t going that route.

Photo Credit: Beyonce.com

wwtdd

(5) Comments

  1. avatar
    Hugh G. Rection 04/24/2014 16:34

    Does anybody under 60 read Time anymore? It’s a joke.

  2. avatar
    Admiral 04/24/2014 19:51

    Beyonce’s never done shit for me.

  3. avatar
    Admiral 04/24/2014 20:06

    I still think this is one of the greatest pictures in music history: http://i.imgur.com/47XxaIw.jpg

  4. avatar
    Trommel 04/25/2014 14:27

    ahahahahah! Nice pic, Admiral. Magazines have to be dumbed down for the ignorant…everyone who’s halfway with it can operate a computer. People actually pay for magazines. Here an interesting scenario: If a person who is on minimum wage buys a magazine at a grocery story…they literally just spent 30 minutes of their life to get information that can be typed into a computer in less than 3 seconds.

  5. avatar
    Trommel 04/25/2014 14:29

    Here *is* an interesting scenario….. typDOH

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