Gwyneth Paltrow Struggled Quietly, In Between the Lies

By Lex April 02, 2014 @ 4:54 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow Goes Braless In A Jacket For A Hugo Boss Shoot In Century City

According to numerous publicists posing as anonymous insiders for crappy gossip magazines, Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Gay Beethoven was on the rocks for years. Apparently, she didn’t give a twang who he nailed on the side or the fact he never attended any of her fame whore sucking events, though she did frequently mock the food he ate and ridiculed he dressed. I understand why the Coldplay frontman wanted to anger management a couple babies into Gywneth Paltrow. There but for the grace of God go the rest of us who stupidly dream of taming the shrew. But why would he stick around for ten more years of Gywneth flashing by in designer fashions and ripping on him for eating non macrobiotic. I guess it’s the kids or the high cost of Conscious Uncoupling or just the fact that Gwyneth let him bang her doppelgänger Kate Bosworth and would even change the organic potpourri scents in the bedroom between her visits. Much of these new broken marriage revelations shed light on why Gwyneth panicked so hard when Vanity Fair set out to do an expose on her. That story she later squelched along with Graydon Carter’s sensitive sac between her tapioca encrusted tentacles. There’s got to be tons of shit there beyond just her banging Elle Macpherson’s current amateur helicopter piloting husband. Murder? Money laundering? Or just the hellish daily drip of sustained bitchery that lead men to pray for an early grave. I don’t envy the people tasked with digging into Gwyneth’s dirty laundry. Most will end up with weird skin blistering ailments like the men who went in search of Tutankhamun’s burial treasures. But somebody’s got to get to the bottom of the more malevolent shit. You don’t just defeat your enemies and call it a day. You need your Nuremberg hangings.

wwtdd

(9) Comments

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    Beylerbey 04/02/2014 17:30

    Look at her. So pleased with herself regardless of the circumstances.

    There’s only one thing that would keep me married to this creature: the hate fvck. Causing this bitch pain with my penis is good for a few extra years. Assuming I could make it past the undoubtedly odoriferous 70′s bush.

  3. avatar
    Al (Ted) Bundy 04/02/2014 18:50

    Beylerbey,

    I agree with ya other than your last point. I’m guessing there is probably some article she’s written for GOOP that has several suggestions for using some homespun potpourri balm to freshen up the ol’ nether regions. She most likely smells just like a brand new bag of swiffers.

  4. avatar
    Beppo 04/02/2014 21:49

    I can’t read all that.

    Was it funny?

  5. avatar
    Hugh G. Rection 04/02/2014 22:16

    Hate fukc? Yep. I hate myself for wanting to fukc Gwyeth.

  6. avatar
    Toast 04/02/2014 23:24

    I find it hard to believe that anyone would marry a fag. I can’t think of any other celebrity that has ever done such a thing….

  7. avatar
    ThisSiteIsGayPornography 04/03/2014 01:25

    Are my comments banned? Sorry if this is a paraphrased repeat.
    Why all the hate on “gay beethoven”? He seems like an ok dude. I envy his options if he is straight and i dont care if he is gay. Not a coldplay fan, but they have some songs that sound like a mix of U2 and Radiohead- not bad comparisons if you are into that type of music. The guy can pretty much bang millions of guys/girls whenever he wants. Paltrow is annoying, with small droopy tits, but she is cute for her age (minus the personality). I am all for fiscal conservatism and genuinely hate liberals, but I am not bothered by gay people or weed smokers. My biggest flaw is that I still read this site when I know 95% of the posts are boring tard attempts at wit.

  8. avatar
    ThisSiteIsGayPornography 04/03/2014 01:29

    By posts I mean the articles, the scant comments are usually funny besides the spam. Some of my comments are deleted, but the spam offers make it through? Ummm, drink 128 water?

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