Let’s Beat the Crap Out of the New Ronald McDonald

For fifty years Ronald McDonald stood a faithful creepy clown guardian over the disbursement of billions of high sodium saturated fat meals to children and adults from all walks of life. For a handful of coins you could shove two burgers and a couple free ketchups in your mouth and consider yourself happy to be homeless. And when you were done, there was Ronald, peering down at you like the poster child for the Megan’s Law website, his hand grasping his clown cock as he reminisced about all the children he had killed in the back of his van to keep his commitment to the Dark Lord. Now, McDonald’s has decided it’s time for a new Ronald McDonald. A cargo pants and vest wearing matted hair douche who loves to hashtag his comments on social media.

For the first time, Ronald McDonald will take an active role on McDonald’s social media channels around the world and engage consumers using the #RonaldMcDonald hashtag. As Ronald begins his journey, he seeks to deliver on the mission: “Fun makes great things happen” – the idea that moments of fun and enjoyment bring out the simple pleasures in life and can lead to acts of goodness.

What marketing department breakout session came up with this unholy lesion of crap? Moments of fun and enjoyment bring out the simple pleasures in life? Jesus fucking Aristotle on a budget eating pink slime sheizen Christ. Is this why people go to college? So they can turn Ronald McDonald into a Radiohead fan we want to punch in the kidney while he spouts trite Pablum on Twitter? We don’t need another unisexual scary looking bastard dishing out second-grade classroom wall slogan pleasantries on Twitter.  We have Khloe for that.

Customers today want to engage with brands in different ways and Ronald will continue to evolve to be modern and relevant. — Dean Barrett, Senior Vice President, Global Relationship Officer.

No, Dean Barrett, Global Relationship Officer, whatever the fuck that United Nations One World Manifesto Trilateral Commission title means. McDonald’s customers don’t want to engage with you, they want to eat your fried hot food fast and cheap and hope you cleaned your shitter recently for what happens when they mix your death coffee and breakfast hash browns in their digestive tracts. Who here wants a more socially engaging Ronald McDonald, versus, say, a Big Mac you can get for 99-cents within 99 seconds while you’re 99-percent too fucking high to say Big Mac properly? Nobody wants a new Ronald McDonald. He’s the Satan we know. Leave him the fuck alone.