Nigeria Seems Like a Fun Place to Take the Kids

Sometimes, you look at a shithole and you think to yourself, man, that’s the shittest shithole I ever did see. There’s no way that shithole could be any shittier. That’s the kind of thinking that leads me to believe you’ve never been to Nigeria. That shithole just got shittier. Nigeria is now half-Christian and half-Muslim. The Christians drive around in modified Toyota trucks with automatic weapons shooting the shit out of people and blowing stuff up and spreading The AIDS just as fast as they can. The Muslims drive around in modified Toyota trucks with automatic weapons shooting the shit out of people and blowing stuff up and spreading The AIDS, but with Hijabs on instead of Don Mattingly era Yankees baseball caps. The Muslims have now started kidnapping Christian teen girls to force them into lives of washing clothes in Lake Ebola and the kind of prostitution where you don’t get good tips. They just ran off into the forest with a couple hundred girls from a high school that really has been going downhill since they canceled all the after school sports programs. My high school was pretty rough, but I don’t remember Muslim insurgents coming to steal and rape the girls. I didn’t pay much attention in high school so it is possible this was going on. It’d be easy to dismiss all the heinous human rights abuses taking place in African countries as back-assed primeval problems too far away to matter. If you want to sleep at night, I’d suggest you do just that.

Photo credit: Getty Images