You Can’t Beat Taco Bell Meat

By Lex April 30, 2014 @ 6:22 PM

The dumbest people in this world aren’t the Kardashians or V. Stiviano or gutless politicians or even the tenth grader in the corner trying to count to five on his fingers and starting with four. It’s people who work in marketing. Marketing executive is a title that just means you’re particularly unimaginative and weak in the frontal lobe. Once you hire marketing people, they will figure out something to do to fill their days. That something is almost always stupid. The marketing folks at Taco Bell came up with the genius idea of building out a big ole website page to assure you that their beef isn’t made from the combination of donkey rectum and loose tiny pebbles, you know, like it used to be.They pose inherently derogatory questions like, ‘Hey, isn’t your beef utter shit?’ then pretend to laugh and explain how it’s the same meat you get at Ruth’s Chris, only 99% cheaper thanks mainly to elfin magic and the high rate of cattle suicide on their suppliers farms. Here’s what marketing people don’t understand. People eat at Taco Bell because it’s cheap and salty and open and they’re high as fuck. There is no more complicated reason. Not because they care about nutritional facts, not because they’re web surfers with sophisticated interest in product positioning, and not because it’s on their gastronomic society bingo card list of must-dine restaurants. It’s because they’re high and they can pay with change. Here’s a little known fact. The marketing geniuses years ago at Taco Bell invented the really fucking popular chihuahua commercials. Everybody loved that Yo Quiero Taco Bell little shit. He became so universally popular that business declined at Taco Bell because all the fucking stoners couldn’t stop thinking about eating dog meat when they drove their conversion vans up to the drive-thru. That marketing home-run almost crushed Taco Bell. Their big winner? The Doritos shell taco. Why? Because people love Doritos when they’re high. The entire reason Taco Bell business is booming is because legal and semi-legal and not so legal weed use is going through the roof.  Who the hell do you think is eating the Waffle Breakfast Taco? Nobody eats that sober.

(8) Comments

  1. avatar
    qwerty71 04/30/2014 18:44

    Do you not understand how an ingredient list works on food? Of course not. Meat is listed first then they list the ingredients of the seasoning. It’s meat with seasoning. Hack writing at its finest here folks.

  2. avatar
    Beylerbey 04/30/2014 18:53

    I worked at a taco shop for a few months as a teenager. The meat angle wasn’t pretty (I remember it came in huge sausage-tubes), but it wasn’t nearly as bad as people make out. Or maybe I just got a decent shop.

  3. avatar
    mr. shank 04/30/2014 19:28

    ha ha – qwerty71 said “writing”

  4. avatar
    Admiral 04/30/2014 23:33

    Please leave Taco Bell alone. It’s delicious and has saved my life on many a dark, stormy, low blood-sugar night.

  5. avatar
    Al Bundy 05/01/2014 03:18

    >Who the hell do you think is eating the Waffle Breakfast Taco? Nobody eats that sober.<

    I do.

  6. avatar
    Johnny Big Rig 05/01/2014 04:10

    My first job was taco bell, and the meat was a standard precooked ground in a bag, and you dropped it in a hot water boiler thing.. a timer went off, pour it into a pan, comes out smelling delicious.. tasting delicious. Who cares what’s in it if it tastes good? People know it isn’t sprouts and lettuce. Then they changed it over the big stink, and it tasted like more traditional ground beef from a grocer, but wasn’t quite as good, or had that unique Taco Bell flavor.

    The chicken was prepared the same way, and it was fantastic. Way better than store bought refrigerated chicken. Steak was suspect, but that’s never been their thing. Chipotle is the only place that does steak right for a fast food chain.

    But the worst offender? Taco Johns. They’re the ones that should be taking the heat. I never saw it first hand, but my buddy that got me that first job at the Bell, eventually went to Taco Johns, and he said he was put off that meat forever. They just dump it into some sort of cauldron apparently and it magically turns into grainy particles of powder beef. Stick with the Potato Ole’s there.

  7. avatar
    Shortshanks 05/01/2014 10:54

    Sometimes attributed to Otto Von Bismark……in error…

    Je weniger die Leute darüber wissen, wie Würste und Gesetze gemacht werden, desto besser schlafen sie nachts.
    The less the people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they sleep in the night.
    (No citation exists for where this German phrase or this translation originated).

  8. avatar
    Al Bundy 05/01/2014 14:25

    I remember having a 8th grade science teacher tell the class one day that if you ever went to a hotdog plant and saw how hotdogs are made (like he had when he was in his teens), you would never eat another one the rest of your life.

    The teacher was in his early 50′s and said he used to absolutely love hotdogs, but never had another one since that day in the factory.

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