Candice Swanepoel Hotter Than Miley Cyrus? The Fuck You Say, Maxim?

I’m not sure who owns Maxim at this point. A decade ago it got sold for several hundred million dollars. Last I heard a paper boy in Indiana picked it up for eighty-seven bucks and a box of FSI local dry cleaner coupons. Whoever is running it now has decided that Miley Cyrus is only the 25th most exquisite looking piece of female in the world. They gave the top nod to Candice Swanepoel this year, because, who can ridicule them for that. Also, apparently, she’s a really great person.

Candice Swanepoel is the ideal embodiment of the new Maxim brand: stunning, sophisticated, elegant. It’s not only her flawless beauty and effortless grace that have garnered her the coveted 2014 Hot 100 Number 1 placement, but also her business acumen. She has risen to become one of the world’s top supermodels and has transcended the accolade to become a global brand. It’s hard to imagine a woman more perfect. — Paul Martinez, Creative Director, Maxim

No offense, Paul, but that sounds pretty damn gay for a men’s magazine. How about, Candice Swanepoel has swell tits and an ass I’d like to spank until the South African embassy demands I return her. Although I guess the new Maxim brand is stunning and elegant. What man doesn’t want to feel stunning and elegant? If you’re giving out points for business acumen, Miley Cyrus has made herself a Khan’s fortune as a singer, actress, dancer, and sex symbol, while not being able to sing, act, dance, and physically resembling the last pickle in the jar. Forget all the humiliation of the past year and just name Miley the most effortlessly graceful, business transcended woman in the world again.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret