Gwyneth Paltrow Needs to Stop With the Metaphors

By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 5:22 PM

Gwyneth-Paltrow-is-Important

I think we’re now down to women who want giveaway shit on her website in terms of people who don’t want to let Gwyneth Paltrow reprise Jean Claude Van Damme in Hard Target, hunted for sport in a city with great movie production tax incentives. A couple months ago Gwyneth stoked up a fire of pure estrogen when she mentioned how moms with 9 to 5 jobs have it so much easier than Hollywood actresses who’s shooting schedules often run longer and less regularly scheduled. Scores of frazzled working moms encircled Gwyeth’s carbon neutral palace hoisting their Boston Market meatloaf-to-go dinners and demanded her head. Not content with pissing off only the most emotionally volatile demographic, Gwyneth took a crack at comparing mean online comments she receives to the horrific experience of real war:

You come across online comments about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like, how in war, you go through this bloody dehumanizing thing and then something is defined out of it.

If war is the answer, what is the question, Gwyneth? Sorry, I read that on the bumper sticker on the back of your Range Rover. As you might expect, the angry working moms tagged real war-experienced soldiers to climb to the top turnbuckle and  body slam Gwyneth’s infantile use of metaphors. Guys like Green Beret Bryan Sikes, who even if he is a bit cliche in his attack on spoiled celebrities has such big arms and big fucking guns that I really regret I even used the word cliche now:

You said, “Its almost like, how in war, you go through this bloody dehumanizing thing and then something is defined out of it.” I could see how you, and others like you in “the biz”, could be so insecure and mentally weak that you could pair the difficulty of your life on twitter to my brothers who have had their limbs ripped off and seen their friends shot, blown up, burned and disfigured, or wake up every morning in pain – while just starting the day is a challenge.

You know what is really “dehumanizing”, Miss Paltrow? The fact that you’d even consider that your life as an “A-list” celebrity reading internet comments could even compare to war and what is endured on the battlefield. You and the other “A-listers” that think like you are laughable. You all have actually convinced yourselves that you in some way face difficulty on a regular basis

What Bryan doesn’t realize is that Gwyneth scanned his angry letter and only came away with ‘I’m an A-Lister!’. She’s now shipping six boxes of Goop lavender rejuvenating hand lotion to the troops in Afghanistan and waiting for Shinseki to award her a fast pass for service at any VA hospital of her choosing. Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome. Gwyneth is good to go.

(Thanks to ClashDaily.com and Sanford for this encouraging story.)

wwtdd

(12) Comments

  1. avatar
    Hugh G. Rection 05/29/2014 20:09

    Caption contest: “..and in twenty years my boobs are going to be down to here!”

  2. avatar
    Beylerbey 05/29/2014 21:26

    “If any of you actually had balls, you’d stop me. But I’m surrounded by betas who won’t call a cunt a cunt.”

  3. avatar
    Beylerbey 05/29/2014 21:26

    “If any of you actually had balls, you’d stop me. You know, balls.”

  4. avatar
    DrainBammage 05/29/2014 21:50

    I cant believe Im going to side with sizzle stick but who gives a flying fsck if some dumb jarhead is insulted or even knows how to read ‘insulted’?
    Youre a fsking tool, a mindless knob used and thrown away because you have little value elsewhere in society.
    You wont ssck a dsck, or swing on a pole and youre too good to work at McD’s and your brain is soft enough that you are willing to believe with the rest of of sheeple any dumb sh1t youre told. (which is why more than half the nation of morons truly believed that Saddam was responsible for 9/11 at the time….)

    your ‘brothers’ werent forced to join killers for hire program, it was their own choice, just like bungee or parachute jumping or killing civilians. dont come whining because you were too dumb to realize that you were going into a bad career choice.
    Its Darwinism, thining the herd of dumbest constituents.
    Not my fscking problem.

  5. avatar
    ni_mierda1606 05/29/2014 23:04

    Can we stop posting things about Gwenyth. She is VERY average looking, not a good actress, and a total narcissist…you know those people you meet who literally think there is nothing you could possibly enlighten them on…oh yeah she is one of those!!! Who honestly cares about her life and stupid lectures about how everyone else should be living theirs. Worthless human being who should not be taking to the podium to express her views- disgraceful and even worse is the arrogance and sense of entitlement. Waste basket. DONE. End of discussion. I am glad Mr Martin realized this…must have been a living hell..with really really bad u know what on her part, like a limp duck

  6. avatar
    Al Bundy 05/30/2014 00:05

    “you go through this bloody dehumanizing thing”
    ———————————————

    I see she’s back talking like she was raised in England.

  7. avatar
    Al Bundy 05/30/2014 00:08

    “which is why more than half the nation of morons truly believed that Saddam was responsible for 9/11 at the time”
    —————————————————

    What ??? Where the f*ck did you get that from?

    That’s news to me, and I live here. Do you?

  8. avatar
    BillyMitchellisaGoldenGod 05/30/2014 09:49

    Correct your problem is going through life as mouth breathing low IQ’d idiot.

  9. avatar
    BillyMitchellisaGoldenGod 05/30/2014 09:49

    And more than likely ugly as well. Have nice weekend, ya’ll.

  10. avatar
    Admiral 05/30/2014 11:04

    “who gives a flying fsck if some dumb jarhead is insulted or even knows how to read ‘insulted’?”

    ——————————

    You’re a dickhead. What a damn ignorant thing to say.

  11. avatar
    BiebersStrapon 05/30/2014 13:01

    I’m pretty sure “ignorant” is par for the course when it comes to all comments on this site.

    Yeehaw.

  12. avatar
    Al (Ted) Bundy 05/30/2014 15:24

    Having a political discourse on WWTDD is like arguing with your fellow inmates at the asylum.
    You may win, but you’re still fuckin crazy.

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