1. Kim and Kanye did not get courthouse married before their Big Phat Fucking French Wedding. That was an untruth invented by her mom who has to lie every six hours or her skin becomes gelatinous and she starts smelling like burnt pine cones.
2. Kim and Kanye’s actual wedding will not be televised because it’s considered bad luck in Armenia to film a woman’s third marriage.
3. Don’t panic. There will still be ten thousand hours of right before and right after wedding footage on E! including Khloe devouring levels four through seven of the wedding cake and lamenting how black cock was supposed to give her babies.
4. Don’t believe any giant wedding guest list you’re seeing leaked online. The real guest list is small and being kept private since many of the names are foreign businessmen on Interpol watch lists.
5. The Kim wedding dress photos floating around the Internet are fakes. The real dress has been seen only by Kim and the Thai seamstress who was tapped to weave it out of unobtainium, and the latter was coincidentally on that Malaysian airliner that went missing.
First things first, I want my fucking Crate & Barrel salad bowl back. Also, I’m going to immediately stop referring to Kim as Mrs. Slutbag as I’ve been apparently miscalling her for a couple days now. I think it’s time we all realized that if we want honest and unfiltered information about the Kardashian family, their press team approved Tweets are where to look. You can’t just tack on exclamation points to things that aren’t true.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News, Splash