Those Kidnapped Nigerian Girls All Got Married. Mazel Tov!

By Lex May 02, 2014 @ 2:48 PM

Now that the horrific blight of Donald Sterling saying stupid shit to his hooker has been resolved, the world can focus on the kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls sold into modern day slavery. The Nigerian government first denied the kidnappings took place, then said it was just a couple girls and whatever, then said they were too busy sending emails out to Americans informing them of their secret inheritance to do anything about the missing kids. So the parents of these girls started riding raggedy motorcycles into the bush to try and find their kidnapped children. A couple dudes at a time on a dilapidated twin-stroke bike chasing down armed guerillas. That didn’t go so well, so they made a hashtag. #StolenDreams. It’s going to blow up when they get computers in Africa in a couple hundred years, or when Kristen Bell retweets it, whichever comes first.

Now, there’s word that those entrepreneurial jihadists mass-married all the girls to fresh smelling tribal militants who paid twelve bucks for their new brides. You might find this kidnapping and selling of teen brides a bit old fashioned, but gay lynchings and all-weather Qurans don’t just pay for themselves. It’s not like Bin Laden honey money is flowing all the way down to Nigeria. At some point, Western countries will get involved by making lots of speeches and blowing some shit up and making Nigeria even more of an unlivable shit pit than it is now. You can’t fix eons of primitive tribal bloodletting with a couple drones and sanctions. The good news is that neither The AIDS or beheadings or corruption or rivers full of feces have stopped Nigeria from swelling to 180 million people strong. When times are bad, people love to fuck. And that country hates condoms more than it hates indoor plumbing. Nigeria, you are so dreamy.

Photo credit: Getty Images

(2) Comments

  1. avatar
    miche the killer 05/03/2014 14:31

    because no one frigging reads anymore, so the only way to get any attention from the dullards of the world is to hashtag it. #turningintoacultureofretards

  2. avatar
    phdivine 05/03/2014 23:47

    What has happened to these young woman is scary and despicable, and their suffering has been made worse by the unconscionable lack of action by the government.

    However, Lex, you should have done a bit of research before writing about the entire country and culture of Nigeria in such ignorant and racist terms. Just don’t use the word primitive at all. Ever. Stop it. I am an American who went to any Ivy-League school and studied for a semester in Nigeria years ago. The kids at my university there could run intellectual circles around my Ivy League peers without breaking a sweat. Nigeria is an oil-rich nation that only a few decades ago produced a large, educated, middle-class including many educated women. Nigeria is a majority-Christian nation, and the Christians – and many moderate Muslims – have had no problem with educating women. Nigeria, also, has a feminist intellectual and artistic tradition as well as some of the most economically and politically empowered market women on the planet. The reason so many girls were all in one place because they wanted so much to complete their exams and their education. Intellectually-motivated girls and woman are very common in Nigeria. Very. Nigerians, male and female, take education quite seriously. Nigeria, also, has a rich literary tradition that includes the works of Nobel Prize winner Wole Soyinka. The gutting of the Nigerian economy was the result of collaborative corruption between Nigerian politicians, American and British oil companies, and a range of British neo-colonial corporate entities, which together economically devastated one of the world most oil-rich nations. Look up murdered Nigerian environmental activist Ken Saro-Wiwa to learn the role of Shell oil in his assassination.he Nigerian government is a corrupt group of cowards who have betrayed and exploited their people for decades, and they have betrayed those innocent young women. However, the people of Nigeria are very intelligent and informed, and many are very well-educated, including many, many women.

    A guy who writes a second-rate blog has no business calling the country that produced a literary genius like Soyinka primitive and backwards. Lex, you just don’t have the education or talent to trash a whole country like that, especially a country as intellectually, culturally, and politically, complex as Nigeria. Next time, do at least a tiny bit of research before writing about something about which you know absolutely nothing.

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