Those Kidnapped Nigerian Girls All Got Married. Mazel Tov!

Now that the horrific blight of Donald Sterling saying stupid shit to his hooker has been resolved, the world can focus on the kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls sold into modern day slavery. The Nigerian government first denied the kidnappings took place, then said it was just a couple girls and whatever, then said they were too busy sending emails out to Americans informing them of their secret inheritance to do anything about the missing kids. So the parents of these girls started riding raggedy motorcycles into the bush to try and find their kidnapped children. A couple dudes at a time on a dilapidated twin-stroke bike chasing down armed guerillas. That didn't go so well, so they made a hashtag. #StolenDreams. It's going to blow up when they get computers in Africa in a couple hundred years, or when Kristen Bell retweets it, whichever comes first.

Now, there's word that those entrepreneurial jihadists mass-married all the girls to fresh smelling tribal militants who paid twelve bucks for their new brides. You might find this kidnapping and selling of teen brides a bit old fashioned, but gay lynchings and all-weather Qurans don't just pay for themselves. It's not like Bin Laden honey money is flowing all the way down to Nigeria. At some point, Western countries will get involved by making lots of speeches and blowing some shit up and making Nigeria even more of an unlivable shit pit than it is now. You can't fix eons of primitive tribal bloodletting with a couple drones and sanctions. The good news is that neither The AIDS or beheadings or corruption or rivers full of feces have stopped Nigeria from swelling to 180 million people strong. When times are bad, people love to fuck. And that country hates condoms more than it hates indoor plumbing. Nigeria, you are so dreamy.

Photo credit: Getty Images

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