Have Fun Being Raped in College

President Obama and Rumer Willis and a bunch of other important thoughtful people on the right side of history have been talking a lot about sexual assault on college campuses recently. It’s an epidemic. One in five women are victims of sexual assault on college campuses these days. That’s extraordinary. So extraordinary, that George Will decided to write a column about it. He openly wondered if those unnervingly high rates of assault weren’t related to (1) victims being almost exulted for joining victimhood status, (2) colleges being filled with drunk, privileged and immature horny coeds, and (3) the numbers being jiggered for political impact. He’s two-thirds right. I might go higher but I’m not as dumb as George Will to suggest any hint of women finding social status or intangible benefit in joining the ranks of the sexually assaulted. You know, unlike the spike in Autism numbers or gluten intolerance. Let’s look at the other shit he’s talking about.

According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, which sounds pretty fucking legit, rape and sexual assault against women in the U.S. has been dramatically declining in the past couple of decades. The crime rates are dropping even with higher levels of reporting by victims. In last major reporting, there was one sexual assault incident per 500 females. Any number above zero is horrible, but it’s trending heavily in the right direction, even if people hate good news. The Bureau report also noted that 78-percent of such assaults are by acquaintance to the victim. That hardly makes the crime more palatable, but it does shape the premise that who you’re acquainted with has far more to do with your likelihood of sexual assault than merely living in a crappy neighborhood or near one of those blue dots on the sex offenders websites. Or, going to college.

If one in five is truly the number of girls being sexually assaulted on campus, even assuming the extreme statistical case where each victim is only assaulted once during their four year stint, that still means each year women in college will have a 50 times greater chance of being sexually assaulted than women in the general population. Is this even possible? Fuck, I just questioned the numbers. If it’s true, why the hell would you ever send your daughter to college? She’d be safer in the Nigerian hinterlands hoping the noises in the forest aren’t roving bands of Islamic militant sex slave kidnappers. Our nation’s colleges would merely be institutions designed to rack up college loan debt and promote rape. That’s with women running many colleges, more female professors and senior administrative staff than ever before, and the student body themselves being an ever increasing majority of female students. Men are the minority in campus life and they’re still raping every nanosecond of every waking hour.

It’s not even worth debating if booze and partying and co-ed living and immaturity and hormones and privilege and all those seemingly obvious factors George Will mentioned are factual. If Obama and Rumer Willis and other important people with statistics and passion are correct, get your fucking kids out of school now. They are either about to be victims of sexual assault or about to be sexual offenders. You won’t see that note on the college brochure with the kids in goggles in the lab. Move now, before you’re locked into Fall tuition. Save the children!

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