George Clooney always knows just the right moment to tell everybody why they’re wrong and he’s right. Usually it’s just moments after he and Obama crossed streams peeing together in his vanity bathroom. Maybe some Senator was after Hollywood violence or some CEO made a statement that didn’t acknowledge a woman’s right to abort her kids up until they graduated high school. George would enter like a superhero with a perfect smile and a witty skewer of his small minded opponents. Afterwards, he’d hop into the sack with his vapid model girlfriends and wish they could understand just how smart and righteous he was. It was all kind of empty.
Then George found Amal Alamuddin. Lebanese human rights attorney investigating U.S. drone strikes in the Middle East. Former law clerk for Justice Sonia Sotomayer. Alamuddin defended Julian Assange of Wikileaks. She’s fucking perfect. A smart, hot, Arab commie defense attorney. All the forces of Conservatism, Zionism, and Pro-Western Imperialism are going to line up against her. This is every day is Christmas for George Clooney.
The Daily Mail published some freelancer gossip piece about how Amal’s mom was rabidly against the marriage because she wanted Amal to marry somebody in the Druze religion. Clooney immediately took to the bat copter he stole from his failed Batman movie and issued a manifesto calling out the Daily Mail for making up crap about Amal’s mom being Druze in the first place. Because you know everybody in the world gives a shit about that. The Daily Mail apologized and took down the article. Clooney did not accept the apology, though he thanked them for admitting he was right and they were his bitches. It’s high school and George Clooney is both the captain of the football team and the volatile hot cheerleader on the rag.
After dispatching his latest foe, Clooney was able to retire to the boudoir where his hot liberal activist non-Druze girlfriend showed him the slinky dress she was going to wear to the Hamas Awards Dinner in Gaza. All that for just a $700K engagement ring. Well played, George.
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