Lindsay Lohan Sues Grand Theft Auto, GTA Kicks Her in the Legs

By Lex July 03, 2014 @ 11:47 AM

Lindsay Lohan With Bruises On Her Leg On Her Birthday In New York
I’m sure Lindsay Lohan has an explanation for the cuts and nasty bruises on her legs. I’m sure it’s nothing close to the truth, which to be fair, she probably doesn’t remember.┬áLindsay turned 28 yesterday, which completely fucked over my ghoul pool bets. She celebrated the day by suing the shit out of Rockstar Games, claiming the ditzy slutty self-absorbed celebrity character Lacey Kunis in Grand Theft Auto V is based on her life story and likeness. Just on its face, that certainly seems plausible. GTA always maintains it uses no real people or locations in its games, though it renders a very close virtual approximation. In the game story line, the Lacey character visits what is clearly the Chateau Marmont and rushes into alleys saying shit like:

Can you give me a ride past them [the paparazzi], please? I’m hardly wearing any makeup. This is a disaster. I’m so fucking fat. How’s my hair? Do I look cute?

I don’t know. It’s shallow. But where’s the slurring and spoonerisms? Where’s the 50-year old named Dina Kunis who creeps up and steals her stash? As a juror, I’m probably going with jury nullification. Lindsay maybe employees two or three personal assistants slash hookup girls. But there’s an entire industry of jobs and livelihoods built up around mocking Lindsay Lohan. Our economy can’t suffer that kind of loss right now. Lindsay must sacrifice so that others might live. Though we could probably buy her some battered wife makeup for her legs.

Photo Credit: Splash

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(6) Comments

  1. avatar
    658811 07/03/2014 13:20

    Do you guys even check if what you post is even remotely right? There’s no “Lacey Kunis” in GTA V. You guys are making fun of idiots like Lindsey, but you guys aren’t far off in retardation either.

  2. avatar
    Beylerbey 07/03/2014 18:13

    Who are they talking to? Always with the fvcking phone in the ear.

  3. avatar
    Puritan 07/03/2014 20:10

    yuck ! bruises and cuts , crack ho !

  4. avatar
    Hugh G. Rection 07/03/2014 23:50

    Looks like the meth head lot lizard I encountered that time in Barstow.

  5. avatar
    pk20152 07/04/2014 10:09

    She could’ve played an extra on Break Bad.

  6. avatar
    Mud Nugget 07/07/2014 15:34

    snort a line of crystal off her drooping boob

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