Beyonce Sucks At Rap

By Matt August 04, 2014 @ 7:11 AM


Beyonce acknowledged the elevator brawl involving Jay Z and her sister on a horrendous new auto-tuned track. The remix to Flawless features Beyonce boasting about herself to a degree professional wrestlers would find embarrassing. With non ironic peacocking Beyonce proclaims:

“And you can say what you want, I’m the shit, what you want I’m the shit, I’m the shit, I’m the shit, I’m the shit.”

Its weird that an adult woman would be able to call herself ‘The Shit’ with a straight face, but at least it’s subjective. Later Beyonce just starts layering in a psychotic quest for self acceptance:

“I wake up looking this good, and I wouldn’t change it if I could.”

Unless Beyonce sleeps in the spray tan booth that coats her face and body this claim is definitely bullshit. In reality she looks like Beetlejuice when rising from her hyperbaric chamber and has a triage fix her eyebrows, lashes, hair extensions and fake lips. The elevator brawl still goes mostly unexplained.

“Of course sometimes shit goes down when there’s a billion dollars on an elevator.”

Being well off does not explain acting like you just blew little sisters cosmetology school money in Laughlin.¬†I’ve not heard of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett throwing down in the lift. Beyonce’s attempt to reconcile reality falls pretty short, as does the song, but its good to know she is doing well. Nicki Minaj enters at some point to ground the rap ballad in something relatable to chicks with enormously inflated tits and ass who speak entirely through auto-tuned swearing. Mostly I’m just staring plaintively skyward and praying for Good Taste Jesus to make the bad music to go away.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

(3) Comments

  1. avatar
    KarduesaiMalloc 08/04/2014 08:59

    Am I the only one who has noticed, nothing Beyonce OR J-Zee has written rhymes correctly? Ffs, she rhymes “minute”, ambitiously with “minute”.

  2. avatar
    cuntwhore 08/04/2014 10:08

    You suck at this Matt. Please go away and die. I don’t think you’re qualified to critique music. What do you primarily listen to? The Shins, XX, Metric, and other bland music? We all already know Beyonce can sing so does it really matter is she uses autotune? She’s not a rapper and we know this. This was an ok track but it certainly doesn’t need your shitty take on what it is.

  3. avatar
    flipflop 08/04/2014 12:38

    Calling yourself ‘The Shit’ isn’t a very nice visual but if Beyonce is insisting on it then who am I to disagree,
    She is shit! (the)

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