Even These Tired Armenian Whores Couldn’t Make the VMAs Interesting

I don’t know what the hell happened at most of this year’s VMA Awards. I fell asleep when Beyonce was singing something really loud and woke up two hours later and she was still fucking singing. Then she had a staged kiss with Jay Z and slapped him when she saw he was holding a baby she didn’t remember having. The show opened strong when everybody got to pretend that Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe malfunction wasn’t setup or wonder why she was the only one of three singers outfitted with a hands-free microphone so her hands could hold her dress front together. Minor complains compared to the horrible shit for music teenage girls like these days. You know, as opposed to past generations when teenage girls had awesome taste in music.

The true highlight of the evening came when Miley Cyrus won some Nobel award for Wrecking Ball and sent up a dude in her stead to give a speech about homeless young people in America. Miley sobbed in the audience as the former street teen from Oregon handsome enough to have been molested by Gus Van Sant during casting calls for My Own Private Idaho spoke about a charity Miley had set up on her Facebook page to help unsheltered young persons. Miley just met the guy on Tuesday. I guess they bonded super quick. Since she’s promoting a charity it’d be wrong to suggest Miley used him to wipe the slate clean from a year again when she ass ground Robin Thicke’s cock out of his marriage. MTV  is really not ideal viewing for people who ask follow up questions.

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