Justin Bieber escaped any serious charges in his drag racing arrest from Florida last Winter by using the defense of being rich and having really important attorneys. It was a brilliant tactical maneuver. You may recall this past January Bieber’s dad, who serves as his son’s cruise director, marked off a residential street near Miami so Justin could race his Lambo against his buddy’s Ferrari. When the cops showed up, Bieber threw a major league fuck-you-coppers rant that would’ve left him with three broken ribs and the inability to see out of his left orbital socket for six months if he’d tried that in The Bronx. He also tested positive for weed and Xanax and was nailed for having an expired driver’s license.
Things looked pretty bleak for the junior lieutenant of the Lollipop Guild until everybody remembered that celebrities don’t do time. So, today they settled on careless driving, peacefully resisting arrest or some shit, an anger management course, and a $50,000 donation to a charity that helps judges in the Miami area get boats so they can go fishing with their overworked bailiffs, or prostitutes if their bailiffs are unavailable. For all that, Bieber gets to skip any jail time and ditches the DUI charge which means he can still race his foreign sports cars until such time as he kills a child and gets ordered to attend two anger management classes.
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