Michael Moore Is Fat and Rich and Single, Ladies

There’s nothing wrong with being fat and rich. That’s what makes America so fucking great. We don’t judge men by their superficial characteristics. Only women, as the Bible intended. But since Michael Moore has made a stupendous asshole out of himself as the giant fudgy pants champion of the downtrodden working man, people are going to notice when he lives in a 10,000 square foot lakeside home and has $50 million in the bank. Not that rich people can’t be champions of the poor. If they didn’t have guilty people in mansions making sure they didn’t go commie revolution, poor people would be really fucking poor country poor, not wealthy country poor with cable TV and cars and vouchers for Slim Jims and chocolate sodas.

Michael Moore is divorcing his wife of two decades because he finally realized he is far too well-off to have an equally fat wife. Even in Michigan where obesity is worshipped as it is among the South Pacific Island tribes, rich dudes want trophy wives.

Moore has previously acknowledged how rich he’s become as the most famous documentary filmmaker of his time, insisting that he makes a point of paying his taxes in full.

I thought he was going to say he donates most of his money to charities for super fucking self-righteous bastards with diabetes. But taxes is a good one too. Only really the best among us pay our taxes, what with it being super optional at all. I guess he means he’s better than Wesley Snipes. Which is true. Unless there’s a push up contest involved.

Photo credit: Getty Images