George Clooney Set to Marry The Hottie Jihadi

George Clooney is renting out everything in Venice above the waterline this weekend to marry human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin whom I suspect he will divorce quietly before I have a chance to spell her name correctly without Google. Amal has everything George could want in a woman. She’s young, attractive, has a working vagina, and despises the opulent West while still attending its swank parties and wearing designer clothes. A leftist intellectual doesn’t seem like your classic Clooney low maintenance girlfriend, but if George dons the Keffiyeh and talks about making babies that will grow up in a world without Zionist oppression, Amal will have her Grand Canal open for business more often than not. That’s a Venetian landmark reference. Fuck you, I just learned about Venice five minutes ago

My underaged assistant Whitney made this video of all the better known conquests of George Clooney who will be lamenting the end of his bachelorhood while insisting they are happy for he and his new ISIS bride. Women are only really happy for other women when they’re dead or tragically disfigured. That’s just scientific fact.

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