Oscar Pistorius Bounces on Murder Charges

Oscar Pistorius, the infamous Blade Runner olympic athlete and his high tech artificial legs were acquitted of all murder charges related to him shooting the shit out of his model girlfriend on Valentine’s Day 2013. You may recall Pistorius claims he heard noises from behind his bathroom door early that morning and like any reasonable man, he started unloading his gun through the closed door lest it be an armed intruder or an ambitious Mormon missionary. It turned out to be his hot model girlfriend who he’d been fighting with a lot recently. Surprise, and, happy Valentine’s Day.

The prosecution was pushing for a story where Oscar got all raged up and mowed down his nagging girlfriend through the door as she cowered in fear. But, who would ever buy the story of a big time athlete unleashing his fury on his girlfriend? The judge decided there was no credible evidence to discount Pistorius’ story of what went down so she had to toss the murder charges. He still has some charges pending for shit like being a jackass who fires his gun through a closed door because he hears a strange noise, but he’ll likely get off with a wrist slap and a half-game suspension from Roger Goodell on those charges.

It sucks that there’s a dead model, a dick boyfriend with a smoking gun standing over her, and nobody’s going to get their prosthetics tossed across the prison yard and ass-raped over this. I do take some comfort in knowing I’m no longer the worst boyfriend ever.