War Machine Goes Ba-Bye

I feel like we were just getting to know the real War Machine. The MMA fighter slash adult film stunt cock slash gay private party server slash best boyfriend ever. They just hit him with 32 counts of assault against the porn star girlfriend who really got under his skin. I’m not sure who counted that up. I thought you just got assault for beating the crap out of somebody. But I guess when you’re a fucking war machine, every blow is a separate count.

War Machine’s enhanced whey powder fanatics are defending their favorite lady beater by insisting that Christy Mack wasn’t beat up as bad as she claims. As far as legal defenses go, that’s not such a strong one. If the dude Christy was banging when War Machine found her wasn’t a witness, he might stand a chance of some bullshit plea. But as it is, he’s looking at life behind bars, or a 2-game suspension from the NFL.

I’m not a huge fan of alternative sentencing, but couldn’t we maybe drop this guy in Syria and give him 36 hours to go find the crazy Muslim who runs ISIS and take him out. That’s what we would’ve done if Rambo had knocked his girl senseless. A War Machine behind bars seems pretty senseless. If he imagines all the ISIS bastards are his cheating girlfriend, he could probably get this done. We could plant a homing chip in his neck tattoo like they did to Snake Plissken. If Reagan were still President, War Machine would already be halfway to Damascus.

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