War Machine Goes Ba-Bye

By Lex September 04, 2014 @ 10:17 AM

I feel like we were just getting to know the real War Machine. The MMA fighter slash adult film stunt cock slash gay private party server slash best boyfriend ever. They just hit him with 32 counts of assault against the porn star girlfriend who really got under his skin. I’m not sure who counted that up. I thought you just got assault for beating the crap out of somebody. But I guess when you’re a fucking war machine, every blow is a separate count.

War Machine’s enhanced whey powder fanatics are defending their favorite lady beater by insisting that Christy Mack wasn’t beat up as bad as she claims.¬†As far as legal defenses go, that’s not such a strong one. If the dude Christy was banging when War Machine found her wasn’t a witness, he might stand a chance of some bullshit plea. But as it is, he’s looking at life behind bars, or a 2-game suspension from the NFL.

I’m not a huge fan of alternative sentencing, but couldn’t we maybe drop this guy in Syria and give him 36 hours to go find the crazy Muslim who runs ISIS and take him out. That’s what we would’ve done if Rambo had knocked his girl senseless. A War Machine behind bars seems pretty senseless. If he imagines all the ISIS bastards are his cheating girlfriend, he could probably get this done. We could plant a homing chip in his neck tattoo like they did to Snake Plissken. If Reagan were still President, War Machine would already be halfway to Damascus.

Photo credit: Twitter

(3) Comments

  1. avatar
    drpepper92 09/04/2014 11:49

    Invoking Reagan’s Law. I kinda like that idea. Promise freedom to all these goons if they fulfill their missions and then at the end have all the survivors duke it out Battle Royale style. But kill the winner anyway (Running Man style).

  2. avatar
    Beylerbey 09/04/2014 13:42

    Whitman, Price, and Haddad. Last season’s winners!

  3. avatar
    DrainBammage 09/04/2014 18:29

    Beat someone up (and by the way, she was up and walking a few days later, some beatings result in months of physiotherapy…not saying one is worse that others just that assault is a pretty wide ranging charge) and youre facing life in prison but some people kill another human being and are out in under 10yrs?

    Kinda always thought that killing someone was the ultimate crime (which is why hate crimes are stupid descriptions, theyre all hate crime. And if you kill a person, that should be the ultimate penalty. Whether you killed another person because you didnt like the colour of their bandana or of their skin doesnt really matter, you committed a murder is the most important part of the crime.

    Killing someone>beating someone up.

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