American Teens Digging on ISIS (VIDEO)

This is precisely the kind of shit that happens when we tell disaffected teenagers it’s verboten to drown your feelings in booze and cheap sex. Abstinence makes boys want to kill and girls want to fly to Syria to become the Desperate Housewives of ISIS. The days of predators trolling the Internet for underaged victims seems quite innocent now compared to militant Islamists catfishing Muslim girls in Western countries and convincing them that death to the infidels can love them like daddy never did. Just the chance to be a freedom fighter’s evening rape doll sounds so much better than listening to bitchy American girls brag about their boyfriends while suffering through high school trig. Who doesn’t pray for death during high school trig?

Three Somali-American chicks from Denver skipped school and stole their parents cash to board a series of planes destined for Syria to meet up with their new supercool ISIS boyfriends. Their plan would’ve worked had it not been for their meddling parents kind of remembering their daughters spending the last year chanting Death to America in their rooms. To be fair, they thought it was just hip hop music. The parents phoned the cops who caught the plucky teens at the Frankfurt airport and arrested them on suspicion of being exceptionally stupid teen girls. It’s one thing to run up dad’s credit card at the mall or date the greasy haired Breakfast Clubber from the wrong side of the tracks, yet another to go be the bag weaver for severed journalists heads in Syria.

These girls aren’t the first to make the leap from suburbs to Syria. A bunch of ethnic Muslim British teens and other Americans are dying to get over there experience the adventure vacation that is jihad. This bitter teen migration just might cut down on school shootings domestically, but we don’t want our men in uniform to have to take on kids from White Plains with assault rifles still pissed that Suzy Watkins got a beemer for her sweet sixteen while all they got was a raisin honey cake and a beating for wearing culottes.