Lisa Opie in a Bikini

If you can’t pull off a decent upward bow, you can’t be my girlfriend. Fuck if I grimace when I try to touch my toes. If I can’t rest my chalupa party pack on your midsection for at least the first half of a Sunday NFC East showdown, I’m not going to meet your parents and pretend I have a real job. People who tell you successful relationships are based on love and affection might as well head straight from first date to contentious divorce. Relationships are based on give and take. What are you offering and what do I have to give you in return. I want a girl who can assume all the major porn positions. In return, she can drive my late model Toyota on the weekends. That’s how we’re going to make it fifty years, babe.

Photo Credit: Splash