Malala Yousafzai Stole My Fucking Prize

Every year when the Nobel Prizes get announced, it’s another reminder that I’ll probably never win one. That and never catching a foul ball at baseball games vex me to no end. It’s all political. Especially the Peace Prize. They give it out to ass-kissing political leaders or terrorists who went to American colleges and got their teeth capped. This year the Norwegians tapped this chick Malala Yousafzai who got shot in the head by Taliban in Pakistan because she had a blog saying girls should be able to go to school. You might as well tell Rosie O’Donnell to give up the Brach’s hard candy. That shit is heretical in the minds of the Ben Affleck’s misunderstood Muslim peaceniks.

Malala Yousafzai survived the bullet earning the best prize of all, getting the fuck out of Pakistan. England took her in and scheduled her to give the same speech 450 times in a row. She was showered in awards including Pakistan’s first ever Awesomest Youth Peace Prize and teenager of the month recognition from various local Elks lodges. Now she’s got the Nobel Peace Prize and Canada just gave her honorary citizenship. Fuck if those aren’t the two best things in the entire world. Walk your trophy around Manitoba like a champ. Yeah, that’s my bullet hole, bitches. Why don’t you take a picture, it will last longer.

It’s important to point out that never every Muslim in that region believes girls should be barred from attending school. Having the grade school aged girls in a central location makes it easier to grab them up when it’s time to be deflowered to a 40-something bullet maker. Not everybody’s as charming as Stephen Collins, pedos in Pakistan need some religious help.