Ex-NFL Cheerleader Palm Palms 15-Year Old Boy

When I was fifteen the pressure was on to do absolutely fucking nothing. Pass your grade in high school. Not spend your only few dollars on a fake joint. Feel up a girl. Today, if you’re not fucking a hot teacher or NFL cheerleader you might as well use one hand to hoist an L above your head and the other to Jihadi slice off your junk. I know they only compile glaring stats for female assault, but I’m pretty sure at any given moment up to 59% of all high school boys are now being statutorily date raped by older women with pederastic urges. Dumb lucky bastards to be living in such mentally troubled times.

Former Ravens cheerleader and former billionaire’s wife Molly Shattuck just got busted for a summer of loving up a 15-year old boy along the Delmarva shoreline. Shattuck met the boy on Instagram, which now will suddenly become the most active social media site among fifteen year old boys. At one time Shattuck was once hailed as the NFL’s oldest cheerleader, stationed there by her wealthy husband and Maryland very important guy. They split up in March. Maybe he didn’t approve of her going cowgirl on the local Indian Guides.

Shattuck recently released her self-help book, Vibrant Living, teaching other women how to lead a purposeful, vibrant life. Diet and exercise are just one component. Loading your orifices with the semen of high school freshmen really is the secret pinch of sugar. You have to read the book really for it to make sense. Or just follow her on Instagram and cross your fingers.

Photo Credit: Molly Shattuck, Vibrant Living Book Promo