You Beat Olive Garden, Congratulations

At some point we figured out what kind of voracious cheap pasta pig you’d have to be to make one of those Olive Garden endless pasta cards a worthwhile investment. Olive Garden doled out a thousand of those 7-week all you can eat pasta passes for $100 to lonely gluttons across the country. It was an obvious marketing ploy to get free media coverage. Nobody expected Church Minister Alan Martin to come eating low-rent pasta twice a day every single fucking day for the entire duration of the promotion. Ninety-five visits and counting with a week to go.

I would love to be the person that ate the most of the 1,000 people. That would be a good contest to win. Because that means I got the most value out of the card of anyone in the United States.

Yes, Alan, you are the winner. For one hundred dollars you’ve eaten nearly one thousand dollars of Olive Garden meals that you didn’t need to eat in the first place. I’m sure the other pass card holders who couldn’t defecate properly after meal number two are envious of you nearing one hundred. Martin claims he hasn’t put on any weight despite all the fattening meals, probably related to the numerous tapeworms nesting in his gastrointestinal tract. And a wife who is fucking the Olive Garden assistant manager out behind the establishment rather than watch her husband choke down Fettuccine Alfredo for the 73rd time since Columbus Day.

We’re eating people. Just admit it, Olive Garden. Let Alan Martin into the kingdom of heaven.