Abercrombie Loses 70 Year Old Punk Kid CEO

Mike Jeffries, the creepy CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch who was almost certainly the inspiration for every 80’s rich kid movie villain, is retiring. Abercrombie has fallen on hard times. With the advancement of gay rights many have found they can go to a random stag bar to see a naked dude instead of a price inflated dank storefront that smells like your grandma’s house. Highly sought after 8th grade hockey recruits are distancing themselves from the official uniform of fraternity gang rape. Or possibly people are just over buying a seventy dollar T-Shirt which passersby tend to interpret as your undying support for Darren Wilson. This is as close to a gang affiliation as whitey is going to get, and your gang sucks. Jeffries became famous for some elitist bullshit he spewed which summed up why everyone hates people who shop at Abercrombie:

“We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong, and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”

As their business fails it is comforting to know Abercrombie will be targeting a slightly different demographic. As they struggle to liquidate their inventory, which will lose status points once their assholes customers see the orange tags, they’ll be targeting the all-American cat lady buying marked down shit for the downstairs neighbor kids. They will be going after the sixty year old drifter who needs some clean shirts since he just bathed in the aqueduct. The socially inept mall shooter who still wants to fit in with the cool kids a decade after high school. It’s a shame they are branching out just as the company goes under. There were so many douchebags they never reached.

Photo Credit: Abercrombie.com