Eaten Alive Guy Was Hardly Eaten

Paul Rosolie is a self described Naturalist, a term meaning someone who likes to fuck with animals on camera because the pet shop gig didn’t pay so well. Rosolie’s Eaten Alive special on Discovery Sunday night was supposed to feature him being eaten alive by an enormous fucking anaconda to show that anacondas will swallow just about fucking anything., Rosolie designed a special space suit that would allow him to breathe while being swallowed as well as film the experience from the inside out. Most feral river pigs and baby gnus the anacondas usually dine on don’t have the luxury of such a lavish cable TV budget. The show was built up by Discovery for the past six months like Rosolie was going to be swallowed whole and a miraculously living Croc Hunter was going to be spit out the back end.

As you might expect, the actual show failed in every aspect. TMZ is reporting that the snake seen in the footage isn’t even the 25-foot big motherfucking wild anaconda Rosolie promised, but rather a captive anaconda shipping in from some screaming woman’s trailer toilet in Florida. It’s not clear that this smaller stand-in snake even with its retractable jaws could actually swallow Rosolie in his metal containment suit. It proved moot as Rosolie got scared and tapped out like a bitch when the anaconda actually got the naturalist’s head in its mouth and he realized he was frightened to death of snakes.

Calling yourself a naturalist and feeling pretty mighty because the dumb chicks at parties want to touch your shark tooth necklace is the first step on the road to an miserable fail on national TV. It’s unclear how the Discovery Channel paid for a show called Eaten Alive without demanding some proof of concept. I’d at least ask to see that shortest woman in the world from American Horror Story get digested before I’d believe an adult grown male could be had for lunch.

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