Terry Crews Apologizes For Men, We’re All Good Now

December 3, 2014 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen | 0 Comments

You can read Vassar senior theses, peruse Jezebel forums, and decipher limericks Lena Dunham scribbles on the bathroom stall with her period blood that are simply hilarious, devour it all, the roots of modern feminism lay in the unapologetic neutering of the archetypal male. Such mass castration requires the diligent use of crude stereotypes and sweeping generalizations that renders every man as either the bumbling idiot caveman in TV sitcoms or the raping abusive boyfriend protected by the cult of professional sports. Sort of like how Mexicans now can be Chicano drug dealers or hardworking dishwashers thanks to progressive social memes. It also means that boys bearing any sign of masculine aggression or unrest need to be medicated stat. How can you learn the evil that is penis when all you can think about is dominating at kickball during recess?

Terry Crews took part in the recent What Makes A Man 2014: Maps to Manhood conference in Toronto. Just speaking this symposium name aloud allows you to feel the cold steel blade of masculinity in retreat slicing beneath your ball sack. According to the conference organizers, it’s ‘time to draw new maps to manhood’. Apparently, the maps of the past three million years didn’t work out so well, which is why apes riding horses continue to keep us in shackles and shriek hysterially when we speak English. The conference offered up numerous awesome lectures on how screwed up men are like:

WARPED IDEAS OF SUCCESS: Exploring how the ‘Pursuit of being The Man’, leads to toxic situations in various walks of life from the boardroom to the locker room.

For the 99.9% of you who don’t spend your days in a boardroom or a locker room, just imagine this applies to you and understand how tossing your UPS deliveries onto doorsteps might just be tantamount to rape.

The conference featured a keynote speech from Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Old Spice commercial muscleman, Terry Crews. Who better to espouse how rotten men are than a former football player himself. who never actually did anything rotten:

What it is is that we’re talking about gender equality, true gender equality…but the problem is that men have always felt like they’re more valuable…I have been that guy where I felt I was more valuable than my wife and kids.

Thanks, Terry. I’m pretty sure you speak for all of us by sheer force of announcing you speak for all of us. You can do this kind of mass generalization when speaking to crowds who are apt to feel good about mass generalizing when it works in their favor. An ‘you know what chicks who support Planned Parenthood are like’ phrasing probably would’ve been met with a riot.

It’s MAN CODE, dude. Man Code! C’mon.”…but does Man Code work when it’s your daughter who gets raped? Man Code—does that work when your mom gets abused?

Rape culture bingo! Terry just filled out his card. How are you going to feel when acting like a man gets your daughter raped and your mom beaten up? Because that is surely what’s going to happen when you go to Buffalo Wild Wings with your buddies and high five after an Aaron Rodgers touchdown pass. I wish Terry Crews wasn’t so much bigger and stronger than me so I could punch him in the ignorance. But he is, so he goes on, first to compare masculinity to Taliban and ISIS thinking (topical!) then to ringing in the tired slavery and civil rights analogies:

The people who were silent at the lunch counters, when it was the black lunch counter and the white one or the schools were segregated…and you were quiet. You were accepting it. Same thing with men right now. If you don’t say anything, you are, by your silence—it’s acceptance. I’m not going to be silent.

Silent about what? The small percentage of predatory and abusive men who bully, badger, and even assault women? The numbers of such crimes happen to be way down in this country because other men predominantly have voted for harsh sentencing and three strikes laws that have buried these sociopaths in prison. Evil masculine men know what to do with predators and abusers of women. We used to shoot them, until that was made not so legal.

Quite coincidentally, Terry Crews is selling a book about how to be a modern man, like the kind who work in network television and get paid handsomely to be cute and non-threatening muscle bound black men in endorsements. I’m sure that has nothing to do with Terry’s new immersion into male apologetics. He probably read XO Jane and had an awakening to the righteous path.

Photo credit: Getty Images

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