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White Guilt The New Butt Hurt

December 30, 2014 | crowd favorites | Lex Jurgen | 0 Comments

The Hands Up and Can’t Breathe protests have left guilty white people feeling hapless. How to stand with the righteous when it was your people who slaughtered the innocents. You could Twitter tales of lenient treatment received from the cops you’re just certain was because you’re white. A fourth Obama bumper sticker on the Prius never hurt. Facebook updates with generalizations about white cops will only get you so far. What about making biracial babies then lamenting how you hope they’re white because being black sucks? Capital idea, old chap.

Apparently Yahoo has a parenting section because Yahoo just seems like the right place to get child rearing advice after watching low resolutions half court high school basketball shots. For their favorite article of they year, Yahoo Parenting chose a piece by Calvin Hennick, a white dude who had a biracial baby and made of list of the seven things he can do but his black baby never will:

1. Walk through a store without being followed
2. Succeed without people saying it’s because of my race
3. Learn all about famous white people in history class
4. Get angry in traffic without being called an angry black man
5. Hang out in wealthy neighborhoods without somebody calling the cops
6. Complain about racism without being accused of playing the race card
7. Never have to wonder if race played a role in my success or failure

I don’t want to quibble, but reason seven seems a lot like reason two so maybe there are really only six incredibly lucky things about being white. Still, what a fucking list. White people get all that and a ham sandwich. You almost wonder why Hennick chose to make a biracial baby given the fifty-fifty odds he’s given him at ever being able to get angry at traffic.

It gets worse. Hennick recently made a baby girl. Can you imagine the horror? As bad as as it for black kids, it’s infinity times worse for girls:

My daughter, only three months old, will grow up to face many of the same challenges as my son, on top of the extra ones that come with being a woman: the struggle for equal pay, the catcalling, the constant threat of sexual assault.

Fuck. Call in that Chinese doula who makes the babies with hoohaws disappear. It’s amazing Hennick’s sperm were able to ejaculate through his heavy veil of human dispirit. Calvin’s black wife didn’t make the photos or the discussion, so I’m going to assume she’s the spouse worried about working, paying the bills, and wondering how much it’s going to fuck with her kids’ heads that dad apologizes to them each night at bed for making them black.

We really do have it good, white people. Champagne at the next meeting? Fuck yeah.

Photo credit: UnfairCampaign.org

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