NFL Pounces on Ball Deflater Scum

According to the NFL, the New England Patriots under-pressurized balls from the AFC Championship Game were the result of a lone gunman. A locker room attendant who was seen on video tape taking the big bag of game balls and disappearing into the toilet stall for ninety seconds. There are only so many things you can do in a bathroom with twenty four fresh balls and a minute and a half, one of which apparently involves deflating a dozen pigskins to a precise measurement. You’d have to read the Sandusky diaries to cover your other options. Avoid the illustrations.

Why a locker room attendant would choose to spend years developing the skills to pull off such a superhuman feat remains a mystery. Dengue fever seems a likely culprit. Also, violent video games should never be overlooked. The NFL believe this is the same locker room attendant who swapped out all the expensive safe helmets for cheap unsafe dummy helmets that caused concussions and brain damage to the former NFL players now suing the league. It’s also possible he punched Janay Rice in the face while pretending to be Ray Rice and has intentionally mismanaged the Oakland Raiders for the past decade.  The important thing is, the NFL investigation worked, the fiend has been found, and nobody needs to ask any more questions. If you go to sleep now, the Super Bowl will come quicker. I believe.

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