You should be so lucky to be sixty-nine and busted in an extramarital affair with a hot 40-year old attorney who sends you racy text messages in between your hotel room boinking sessions. I don’t know how the Enquirer finds secret sources who know where 60 Minutes anchor Steve Kroft’s dick went into which Lisan Goines orifice on which evenings of their affair, but they got somebody. Who knows this shit? I never trust those ladies in housekeeping. Always walking in at the wrong time, No Me Moleste signs be damned.
But, I guess they were right, because Steve Kroft came out with the pat response:
I had an extramarital affair that was a serious lapse of personal judgment and extremely hurtful to my wife and family, and for that I have nothing but regret,. My wife and I are committed to each other and are working hard to get past this, and consider it a private matter.
Well, no, it’s not a private matter. You’re a very public figure who was hanging out with a chick not your wife in public places. I suppose the actual fornication is private. Also the text messages Kroft sent to Goines the Enquirer somehow got as well, also private, though too awesome not to share:
[I] would rather be eating your pudding
Miss you and all that goes with it. Especially my favorite tastes and colors … pink and brown
Oh, no you didn’t. And then some stories about drinking champagne out of her ass crack. Fuck, any of us should be so fucking randy at sixty-nine.
Sources say that Kroft wooed Goines with the line about being trapped in a sexless marriage. Or what we traditionally just call marriage. Viagra has to be to blame here. It’s what puts bad ideas into the mind of a sixty-nine year old man. Bad ideas regarding pudding. I’m assuming Kroft kept a secret scrapbook somewhere he can go too at nights when his wife is asleep and turn the pages and smile.
You really shouldn’t cheat on your wife. Though if you do, this might be the roadmap.