Emile Hirsch Charged With Felony Assault

Emile Hirsch is being charged with third degree felony assault stemming from an altercation at a nightclub at Sundance. According to reports, Hirsch asked under-qualified film exec Daniele Bernfeld why she looked “so tough” and then put her in a chokehold, pulled her across a table and got on top of her where he continued to choke her before being pulled off by two gentlemanly cocktail waitresses. This is the type of shit you do when you’re a coked up warlock midget and an insecure fucking pussy.

I’m sure Hirsch will enter rehab and plea down to Teaching The Bitch A Lesson, which carries an overnight stay in the pen back in Utah so long as it doesn’t include multiple wives. Should he go to prison he won’t fare well. On the one hand he assaulted a woman, on the other hand he’s a snotty little shit and his face is hatable. There’s a good chance he’ll never work again, which will be hard to pin on this assault because I think he’s mostly been getting chunky and doing blow instead of working anyway. Whatever happens, don’t invite him to your party if girls or really short men are going to be present..