Superhuman Briefly Soars Through Air

Some guy named Byron Jones broad jumped 12 feet 3 inches at the NFL combine. The broad jump is where you just stand there and then jump, meaning Jones could probably kick the shit out of a saber tooth if he had a running start. This is widely considered a world record, although so was my consecutive beach ball punching tally this weekend because nobody keeps track of either of those things. Jones followed this up with a 45.5 inch vertical jump. It’s unclear how this translates to NFL football but if he doesn’t make a squad he could make a killing in crumpled singles on the boardwalk. If I was him I’d go on a lot of dates when it was raining and jump across the street from sidewalk awning to awning with the girl on my back like a superhero. Byron Jones is now the equivalent of the thousand pound goalie. Why can’t you just put some morbidly obese guy in front of the net? Why can’t you give this guy the ball and let him jump 12 feet to a first down? I don’t know. It just doesn’t work. Get this motherfucker a cape.