Coach K Highly Selective

According to the reverent Coach K, Duke basketball player Rasheed Sulaimon did not live up to the standards of conduct expected of a Duke student athlete. It’s unclear what those standards are precisely, but it seems serial rape is one of them because that’s what Sulaimon is going down for. Some are perplexed as to why Coach K knew about the accusations for ten months before booting Suliamon from the team. I guess perplexed people don’t want to win basketball games very much. Coach K went generic and he went generic hard:

“Rasheed has been unable to consistently live up to the standards required to be a member of our program. It is a privilege to represent Duke University and with that privilege comes the responsibility to conduct oneself in a certain manner. After Rasheed repeatedly struggled to meet the necessary obligations, it became apparent that it was time to dismiss him from the program.”

Besides not hanging out on center campus lawn past 10pm, it is recommended you don’t be a serial rapist. That’s the standard we here at Duke like to live up to. Now here’s some pepper spray and a stash of Magnums. Don’t use them all in one place. This is a Ford Taurus. Don’t speak his name.

Photo Credit: Twitter