Facebook Teleportation Is the Future

It’s inevitable that Facebook will take over the world. I don’t mind so much. There will be no nipples and you’ll have photos of what everybody is eating for lunch, but finally we’ll have a world where narcissists and lonely people are making all the rules.  Facebook leaked out a number of their new big announcements for their annual Big Fucking Facebook Wow Now conference including something called Teleportation Station. Nobody knows what it is, which is making everybody either nervous or hard depending on where your blood flows when you hear about Facebook platform upgrades. If you’re a boyish Asian girl you can probably anticipate Mark Zuckerberg reconstituting in flesh form in your bedroom late at night and touching you through your flannel pajamas. Don’t scream. It will only bring The Helpers who will steal your calculus textbooks. Just write a complaint in your status update about the latest Facebook upgrades like everybody else and be thankful he finishes in his pants.