Lupita Nyong’o’s Gown Depreciates

Whoever stole Lupita Nyongo’s pearl studded Calvin Klein gown from her hotel room returned it in a garbage bag after realizing they’d been duped into thinking it was easy money. The dress was worth $150,000 because it contained “6,000 alabaster akoya pearls” according to a bunch of lying publicists. Turns out the pearls were made of plastic as you’d expect if you weren’t still behaving like a retarded child who believes in mermaids. I’m curious how they arrived at $150,000. The actual paint on the Mona Lisa can’t be worth more than thirty bucks with inflation but that’s a work of art. This is a bridesmaid dress a guy in a scarf took a glue gun to. Brands lie to sell bullshit. Apply the story of this dress to every item at the mall and then dust off your tennis rackets. You’ll be dead in fifty years, do some laundry and spend the leftover money running up massive bar tabs. You’ll thank me later.

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