Earth Day, Fuck Yeah (VIDEO)

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Earth Day is to celebrating environmentalism as Christmas is to celebrating Jesus. Lots of getting drunk at office parties and hooking up, very little genuflecting. There are a few Luddites who live in trees or drive Burger King grease cars because they believe life was better in the old days when cars ran on Burger King grease. At least the trees weren’t crying. Some reasonable percentage of the world considers themselves environmentalists, some minuscule fraction of those are willing to eliminate modern conveniences to make a dent in threats both real and perceived. Environmentalism quickly devolved into a dick measuring contest of who pretends to care more.

The natural cycle is we invent shit that makes life better, byproducts from this advancements become onerous, and we address reducing the downsides. We’ve sacrificed a shitload of innocent critters working on cures for cancer. Indians are wheezing on smog but finally have pots to piss in. Particulate matter is bad, dysentery is worse. My refrigerator has a star on it because it meets EPA guidelines for a fucking star. I haven’t made a joke about global warming being conveniently renamed climate change in over a week. I once believed a girl when she told me lambskin condoms were just as safe. It’s Earth Day. Ask a dead seal pup for forgiveness and turn your thermostat to a pointless setting. We’re all living longer, healthier lives. None of which will matter when the succulents come to kill us in our sleep.