Global Warming Coming After The Obamas

I was on the fence with this whole environmental debate until President Obama shared the tale of how global warming attacked his daughter. You don’t come after a man’s family, not when he has a microphone and an unquestioning audience.

Well you know Malia had asthma when she was 4 and because we had good health insurance, we were able to knock it out early. And if we can make sure that our responses to the environment are reducing those incidents, that’s something that I think every parent would wish for…”

Obama tied together hot temperatures, more wildfires and longer allergy seasons to more asthma. Also, how the same environmental impact caused his March Madness bracket to be so shitty and UVA frat boys to incessantly rape coeds. Obama went on to share a dubious story about how he was a college student in Los Angeles in 1979 and how his lungs would burn after five minutes of jogging due to particulate matter in no way related to his two packs a day habit. The only valid response is to convene a White House Summit on Climate Change, similar to the White House Summit on Global Warming, but different enough that new napkins had to be ordered. Summit sounds more lofty than Expensive Gathering in D.C. To the Benefit of Hotel Bar Hookers. Head will be given on the second floor as the Potomac is rising an eighth of an inch each decade. If you think of a polar bear cub crying when you spew, the entire junket is tax deductible.

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