68th Annual Cannes Red Carpet

Cannes started again. Nobody can seem to stop it. Cannes is the annual film event in the South of France where European people you don’t know but are quite certain you would hate mix with Americans you know you hate to celebrate movies you will never watch. Roman Polanski will merge with Sean Penn and form a mega-roid-child-raping self satisfied beast that accepts the French adulation, followed shortly by their terms free surrender. Tons of good looking women show up so you’d go and pretend you fucking loved it if you had the chance. That’s pretty much the breakdown of every formal event ever. Wear a suit if you’re expecting to be laid or paid. You can thank me thirty years from now when it’s far too late.

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