Lindsay Lohan Closes the Chapter

Lindsay Lohan was pronounced clear of all charges and punishments though not sexually transmitted diseases by an L.A. judge who reviewed her community service logs from the past couple of weeks and declared her debt to society paid in full. The judge profusely thanked Lohan’s attorney for making sure the community service bit got finished, merited since at least half the hours were performed by her attorney in a Lohan wig. This ends an era of eight straight years of probation for Lohan for her various crimes and misdemeanors. Lohan’s cruel path should serve as a reminder to others considering a life of drinking and driving and drugs and body checking your mom away from your stash and casual sex partners that you too could face a ton of probation, or as black people call it, jail time. Everybody’s wondering what Lindsay will do next now that she is finally free to associate with known drug felons at all hours and locations without any supervision or check-ins. Bet embracing her sobriety and picking up her acting career if you like the long odds. Don’t worry, children, Helper Lindsay will be back by September to finish Go, Dog Go!

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