Caitlyn Jenner’s Face Cost $70,000

According to Blue Book estimates on a 1949 Douche, Bruce Jenner spent $70,000 to have a brow lift, facial rejuvenation surgery, botox injections, cheek implants, a shaved Adam’s apple and a blue rubber band from a stock of broccoli to help tuck his balls behind his legs. This goes to show anyone can find their true selves if they have an extra 70k laying around from encouraging their daughters to drop out of high school and blow rappers based on their number of Instagram followers. If God fucked up your drive-thru order and you were supposed to be born a woman you’d better be financially stable. Overriding nature will run you a pretty penny. I heard the farmers in the midwest fertilize their crops with the ashes of burnt hundreds when the going gets tough.

This whole spectacle is casting a larger divide between the haves and the have nots. You can find the person inside you through laborious surgeries. How did people achieve enlightenment before we realized a treatment for botulism could paralyze your face in a good way? If you’re in a union and there’s a woman inside you she might just have to stay there. Only rich people have the ability to find themselves. That’s how they used to sell Rolls Royces. Now it’s nose jobs. Welcome to the new world. We’ll fix all your problems now let’s cut your face. Who’s paying for this? Go Fund my ego.

Photo Credit: Vanity Fair