When Reality TV Fails

Ryan De Nino and Jessica Castro are two beer goggles sevens with threaded eyebrows who met on a reality show called Married at First Sight. The show is a zany take on traditional murder. Greasy hipster producers from Silverlake post ads on Craigslist to bait lonely end of the rope types out of appearing on a casting couch porn site or going the classy route of simply dying of autoerotic asphyxiation so I can have a laugh with Dallas Raines over a cocktail containing ginger beer at sunset.

True to the show’s title, the people actually get legally married. Traditionally in the suiting process you want to meet the other person’s friends or at the very least hack their cell phone. You run a few risks selling your dignity for a reality show being aired in place of a Magic Bullet slot. For example the person could be marginal as evidence that they’re appearing on the same show as you. Ryan De Nino appears to be just that, having texted his wife “I’m going to kill you and your family.” Reality contestants aren’t known for their subtlety and in fact brag about having a GED because they’re too stupid to know you aren’t allowed to call a university to verify if someone attended it. Fucking admissions. Castro filed a restraining order against him and the pair are planning to get divorced after getting attacked by Caitlyn Jenner’s guard hounds with a treatment in their hands. Please don’t let that threat be veiled.

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