Jessica Alba’s Children Doomed

Jessica Alba spent a day with her family which was reported in the tabloids because they show up when you call them. These fuckers arrive at the Saddle Ranch and nobody would notice. That is until their handler harangues the hostess and she googles something on her phone to realize it’s that chick from those movies nobody has seen. Alba’s children are named Haven and Honor, meaning great things are in store for them once they breeze through home school and get hooked on Oxy. Then begins the dubious painting phase and more than likely someone’s genitals ending up on Twitter. By the time they’re forty they’ll sign on as a spokesman for Alba’s Noxzema hustle just long enough to write off some taxes. They’ll maintain some shitty condo in the marina and spend their days smoking American Spirits just to spite their mother who was never around and cursed them with these names which they deserve to get beat up for. There’s not a lot of honor in that. At least that crummy smoke stained shit box is a safe haven. Call the maid. Why is daddy a lady now?

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