Jessica Simpson Still Alive

Jessica Simpson is only 35 years old despite having recorded that one song she’s known for which you can’t think of during the formative years of the disco era. Simpson recently lost seventy pounds dropping her weight classification down to Clydesdale. She also had her second child, Ace Knute, which I believe is an invasive species of venomous snake which gets made fun of by the other snakes until it develops an eating disorder. Simpson has gone from a possible ten to a Dave and Busters nine in the span of a few years. That’s still very good, but if you’re intent on reaching middle age twelve years ahead of time and staying half relevant you’re going to have to start doing things again. Start with a walk around the neighborhood and work your way up to a folk album. You’re not getting any younger. In fact it’s the exact opposite. I’m still betting on hot grandma.

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